Category Archives: Healthcare

School’s Brace For The Swain Flu

Seattle, WA – Seattle public high schools are preparing for the worst outbreak of swain flu in decades. “The kid’s hormones always kick in when they get back to school and see all their friends, but it is manageable and usually settles down around mid-term exam time. This year, the teens in summer school seem so stressed by the economy and home life that they are falling in love with each other at the drop of a sext message, ” said school superintendent Mars Mansfield. “We are resetting the locker room showers to only spray cold water which should help some,” said Mansfield.

Market For Human Body Parts Soars – Don’t Fall Asleep In Public For Too Long

Chicago, IL- With the worldwide economic decline, the after-market for recycled human body parts is heating up. Unscrupulous funeral directors have profited for years from surreptitiously parting out uncle Chuck like an old Buick. Remember Alistair Cooke, the doddering old Brit with the sleep-inducing show “Masterpiece Theater” on public TV? Your probably do not want to know what happened to him after he died. Now a new organization called freewilly.org is dedicated to developing a free and open market for human body parts with funding from the American Funeral Directors Association. “There is a lot of value in giving life back to the living. We just want to be a partner in that process,” said FreeWilly Director, Richard Member. Currently the largest market for transplant tissue is for penis phalloplasty, the transplantation of penile tissue from cadavers for penis enhancement. “We hope to remove the mystery and stigma from donorship and help grow awareness,” said Member.
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How To Get A Perfect Shave

Men are taking better care of their appearance these days. However, great looks and great clothes don’t mean much without also having a great shave. In these tough economic times, you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on badger-hair brushes, english shave creams and double-edge razors. In fact, you don’t have to spend anything at all. And throw away those disposable piece-of-junk plastic razors. (Can you imagine what they will think of us in the future when they find all those disposable razors in the landfills? Who were these guys? Who would use a piece of crap like this twice and then leave it here for a thousand years? What assholes!)

Here’s how to get a great shave using ordinary things you find around the house.

First pre-soak your face for several minutes with a mixture of Clorox bleach and Budweiser beer. The bleach softens the whiskers and the beer will remind you of all those china-bowl hugging good times you had in college. The Bud will also help distract you from the searing pain. No pain, no gain, remember? You may find yourself dancing around a while until the pain dulls down. I like to put on some James Brown and crank it up. “I Feel Good!” While you are at it, dance like you mean it. Nobody is watching. Your wife already thinks you are crazy.

Next, borrow the best steak knife from the kitchen and get your can of WD-40 from the garage. Spray the WD-40 on your face and begin working north-to-south with the edge of the knife, being careful to stay away from your jugular. Men used to shave with sharp knives and water before the marketing types got involved. Get real with it. Enjoy it. Keep the touch light and even. Grin into the mirror and say “I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Finally, finish off with with another splash of the Bleach-and-Bud. After performing this ritual in the morning, you will be able to face anything your boss throws at you.

Next week we will talk about how to put on tire chains without losing your mind.

Happy shaving.
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Why Boys Don’t Use Toilet Paper

Portland, OR – Dr. Ralph Hawkins, a research pediatrician at the Oregon Health Sciences University announced today he has received a $50,000 NIH grant to study why boys under the age of fifteen do not use toilet paper. “It is a complete mystery to me and every other parent,” he said.